telegraph

 

As the English would say,’ having a right laugh’.  It is all too tempting.  A client and a friend in London is travelling to South Africa for the first time next month.  Has bought every book available on the country, googled the visuals, quizzed the travel consultant and preparing for the inevitable.

These include snake bites/crocodile attacks/muggings/more snake bites/malaria/ebola/more snake bites/possible hijacking and trampling by elephant or wildebeest.  Terribly excited though.

Aspiring to, and dreaming of (literally dreaming of) endless landscapes which include bush and beach, Camp’s Bay for cocktails, his new wine collection, a tan, endless into the afternoon lunches and fireside soirees. Believes this to be possible and giddy with the prospect, but those snakes … and crocodiles …

Oyster Box  Hard to resist.  So his partner (an ex Rhodesian as he calls himself) and I say:

‘ Oh yes, prepare yourself.  You have to be strong.  You will see horizons, endless horizons you have never experienced before.  Game drives to give you chills.  Orgasmic food.  Delectable wines to sip, chilled at sundown by the watering hole.  Just remember to clap your hands to drive away the snakes.  Light at least ten candles, they don’t like candles.’

‘Really?’ he asks dubiously.

‘Oh yes, plenty of snakes in Cape Town.  And crocodiles in the ponds, even the little ones.  Don’t wear green around ponds.  At least sixteen layers of mosquito repellent, plenty of gin and you will be fine.  Particularly at the Waterfront.  Car Guards are secret agents, but friendly.  They may speak to you in French and smile all the time, but they will guard your car again roaming elephants.’

‘Seriously?’  he mutters.

‘Totally.  You may be shopping in the best malls in the world, and imbibe coffee that makes you dream of Africa forever, but important to note, Lions have precedence at Zebra crossings. We prefer not to speak of the baboons.  Never mind, the wine farms are the best in the world too.  No wildebeest there, they prefer to stay in the reserves.  Oh, and we do have highways, you will be staying in five star hotels (given the rand/pound exchange) and find yourself wondering why just don’t live there forever.  Apart from those mambas who live in the airports.’

‘You must be joking!’

Totally, we laugh in unison.

2 thoughts on “Watch out for the snakes and sangomas … and car guards.

  • August 24, 2015 at 7:13 pm
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    Apart from everything mentioned you don’t see in Wimbledon Park, I am super excited about our trip too..
    X

  • August 24, 2015 at 7:19 pm
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    Ha Ha – a tad poetic license for the enthusiast. Cannot wait for your observations (how to avoid the green mamba in the tree, not the drink called Green Mamba). Important to know the difference. See you there with a fine bottle of Môreson x

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